It was different in the olden days, you know. In the war, you might have turned to someone in an air-raid shelter and said: "my house has been devastated by a doodlebug", or "I am devastated, for my new husband is in a POW camp in Japan". (And I'd have said, had I been alive in 1944, "fair enough", and offered you a go on my ration book in order to take your mind off things.) In 1666, you would have been well within your rights to stand on the South Bank, observe the smouldering ruins of London and say: "London has been devastated by a fire that, by all accounts, started in Pudding Lane". Since then, it seems that a great and overwhelming emotional spasticity has swept across the country, rendering people unable to cope with the smallest of setbacks. Interestingly, it is afflicting people of all ages, gender and social class.
I will, as ever, illustrate by example:
1. "I am devastated that I have failed to make it through to X-Factor Boot Camp."
2. ."I am devastated that little Matilda has failed to get a place at the only decent primary school in the locale, regardless of the fact that it is a Catholic school and we are Satanists."
3. "I came second in the egg-and-spoon race at Biffy's sports day. I am devastated."
4. "I was devastated to find, upon arriving at Top Shop, that they had sold out of blue shoes."
5. "I was devastated when Take That split up."
6. "Mrs Colonel Bufty-Tuftington's jam has beaten mine at the local Church Fete, and I am devastated"
7. "I have run out of crack and White Lighting, and am devastated."
I suggest that, much in the way that we should campaign for the replacement of social kissing with a firm hand-shake, we campaign for the blanket ban of "devastation" (unless used to describe real catastrophes, like floods, famine, earthquakes, random wars and terminal illnesses), and replace it instead with the excellent Anglo-Saxon expression, "I am a bit pissed off". You never know. Might cheer people up a bit.
Coming soon: 'Tragic tot", "I am bi-polar", "I have low blood-sugar" and using "infer" when you mean "imply". I'm not going to have a pop about apostrophes, simply because there is nothing funnier than a greengrocer's sign that says 'Banana's, 75p/lb'.
4 comments:
Remember that CBBC programme, Record Breakers? I blame them. They had that theme song that went "Devastation's what you need".
Made kids everywhere desperate to be devastated. I remember in the playground, everyone trying to out-devastate everyone else, just so we could get on Record Breakers.
Bastards didn't cover Ireland though.
Jesus, Kav. You must have been devastated.
PS Record Breakers existed when I was a girl and had a man in it who played the trumpet, and Magnus Magnusson. And his brother, who died.
colin mcwhirterer wasnt funny - on the other hand his brother was a twat.
That's a point - it was the McWhirters, wasn't it? Or were the magnussons on that as well? Or was there only one Magnusson, and I have lost the plot?
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