God, the noise, the noise. My neighbours are moving out and have been running up and down the stairs slamming doors and SHOUTING for 2 days, let alone BANGING on my door at 8 yesterday morning to ask for access to my garden to inspect the roof, and ENDLESS texts asking for the loan of plates and mugs. Next door's pesky kids have been SHOUTING all day. And it doesn't stop there. Everywhere I go, people seem unable to moderate their volume levels. 2 Middle Aged Ladies In Gym
I like going to the gym. It's kind of peaceful in a weird way, and my gym's quite nice. On Saturday, however, it's full of twats. There were two middle aged ladies (overly-preserved, if you know what I'm saying) squawking as they 'worked out'.
Lady 1: I mean for God's sake! No wonder people are COMPLAINING the whole time!
Lady 2: I know! I know! The FLIES on the far wall!
Lady 1: Ghastly. Simply disgusting. I hardly dare do my stretches.
Lady 2: (after 30 seconds) Oh for HEAVEN'S sake! One of the sets of weights is missing!
Lady 1: TYPICAL!
Why did they feel the need to deliver this exchange at top volume? If they don't like it, they can fuck off.
Woman In Late 20s In Gym
In changing room, usually a place of relative quiet and splashing and clunking of padlocks and slapping on of body lotion. Her phone rings.
"Yah, yah, HIIIIIII Nicky! (She is shouting, by the way). Yah I know, spoke to Jonny yesterday, sounds SUPER. OK. Yah. Yah. Yah. Yah I TOLD her there was no point, I mean quarter of a million! (laughs like a spastic). Yah. Uh-huh. OK sweetie, see you at Charlie's later, I'll bring some poo."
4x4 Drivers In London
I have made a number of points about these arseholes already, but any excuse to repeat it, eh? They shout (when they actually bother to say 'thank you' for letting them in their child-killing environment-destroying wankmobiles pass in the road) THANKS AWFULLY out of the window without looking at you, because you are a Serf, and they are the Queen Of The Road. Idiots.
Anyone who lives in Clapham, Battersea or Wandsworth in a terraced house done up like a stately home
Go on, admit it, you wish you could afford to live in Chelsea, don't you? Knob. If you pop down to Battersea Rise on a Saturday evening, you will see fake French restaurants filled to bursting point, spilling men in pink shirts, jeans and deck shoes, and girls with straight hair, good skin, jeans, pink shirts and boots out onto the street so they can drink champagne and BELLOW at each other. SHUT. UP.
Couple In Tesco Express
Queue of about 15 people in Tesco Express attached to the garage. Mid-afternoon. A couple SHOUT across the shop:
Mike: JAN! GET US SOME RIBENA LIGHT!
Jan: NAAH MIKE! IT'S TOO LATE! I'M ABOUT TO PAY!
Mike: WHAT ABOUT THE QUAVERS?
Jan: WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING QUAVERS?
Mike: DID YOU GET THEM?
Jan: NAAAH. (Jan pays. Mike appears with Ribena and Quavers just as she is about to walk away from the till.)
Mike: HOLD ON WAIT HERE'S THE QUAVERS AND RIBENA LIGHT.
Jan: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!
Mike: YEAH AND I NEED SOME CHEWING GUM TOO.
etc etc, ad nauseam, ad infinitum.
Briefly At Fruitstock
Mid-20s, fuckwit. Not as pretty as her friends. LITERALLY shouts in my ear in loud boarding school tones: OH GOD I CAN'T BEAR IT ITS SO HOT!! MUFFY WAIT FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
I turned and said: do you REALLY need to shout in my ear? To give her her due, she did apologise.
Kids on the bus
Any bus that goes either up or down Brixton Hill has hundreds and hundreds of 13 year olds on it, running up and down the stairs and SHOUTING at each other. On a particularly bad day, the girls all sing. Really loudly. And badly.
I think I need a little holiday.
8 comments:
Jesus. Try living on a coonsall astayte. (I don't anymore).
If they see someone two hundred yards away the accepted form of communication is to just fucking holler at them from where they stand. Instead of walking up to them and TALKING. Don't get me started on their dogs. Puppies who grow up in shouty households do not make for quiet dogs.
They should be put down. The dogs. (I think.)
Hahaha! Funny post. Maybe everyone yells because everyone else yells.
They have Ribena Light now? What is the world coming to. Is it spelled "lite" or "light" in the UK? Everything here is "lite." And, I won't buy anything labelled lite. It makes you fat. Everyone who buys diet type comestibles is fat, have you noticed that? Which would be about 50% of the population here. I currently live in one of the fattest states in the nation. I'm not at all fat, probably because I never buy diet food.
Took me a couple of minutes to figure out coonsall astayte.
I think your "lite" observation fits in nicely with mine that people who buy food in health stores look terribly unhealthy.
Yah, what's wrong with real food? We evolved, we don't need to eat grass and weird grains and seaweed.
On the yelling: DM, you forgot to mention tourists. Foreign speakers apparently believe that since you can't understand their language, you can't really hear them. In my experience the worst criminals in this respect are, in increasing degrees of obnoxiosity: Americans - Israelis - Spaniards. God the spaniards are unbearable !
I love all humankind, and seeds. What's the matter with you people?
xx
Pink shirts and deck shoes? Admittedly, that is pretty horrific. I feel for you.
People in my neighbourhood have the same problem. Everything needs to happen in such a way that you can hear it a block away. Meatheads yelling. Doors slamming. Dogs barking. Endless street basketball. DIY with chainsaws, pressure washers, tablesaws, etc. Depending upon when you're here, it sounds like a logging camp, kennels, basketball court, a junkyard, or various combos. And that's just the semi- legitimate stuff. You have the drunken cul- de- sac CAMPFIRES. Assholes pumping car stereos full volume at all hours. Offroad vehicles like dirtbikes being tuned and tested in the wee hours of the morning. Suburbs are quiet? Nasty surprises here.
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