This is an artist's impression of a middle lane hogger, stolen from the simply wonderful How Motorways Work. I found it by accident after searching for 'middle lane hogger twat' in Google Images.Anyway, to the point. I'm not a brilliant driver. I get distracted. I talk. I sometimes crunch my gears. I drive brilliantly when I'm alone, obviously. But on motorways, which are big, scary and fast, I concentrate. But mainly I concentrate on how many twats are sitting in the middle lane doing 65mph.
What are these people doing as they drift along in the middle lane without a care in the world? I can tell you what they're doing. They are:
- thinking about their holiday
- wondering when they can pull over to change their wee-bag
- changing their CD
- smoking a fag
- doing their makeup
- eating egg and bacon sandwiches from the service station
- eating hot pies from the shed in the layby
- eating cakes the size of the moon
- drinking whisky
- making calls ON THEIR FUCKING MOBILE TELEPHONE
- being fucking idiots
Now, there are various methods of dealing with people like this:
1. The Swoop Swoop up behind them. Pull back. Swoop. Pull back. Swoop. Flash lights. Person gets message and moves. Not recommended unless you have very big car and are mad, and can't use the fast lane.
2. Flash Merely flash from a distance. Not good. Can cause heart attacks.
3. Be patient Sit behind them at a safe distance, and hope that they get the message from all the other people that are overtaking then slotting in in front of them. Not good, because you can end up looking like a middle lane hogger too.
4. Overtake Highly recommended. Look at them distainfully as you go past. (They won't notice, but you'll feel better.) Then slot in in front of them. THEN move into the left hand lane to prove a point.
The thing that scares me the most is that even if you threw a copy of the Highway Code through their open window as you overtook, and had a flashing LED sign on your roof that said 'get out of the middle lane, fool', they wouldn't notice. They'd still be sitting there, drifting along at 65mph, smoking a pipe filled with Cherry Vanilla tobacco, stroking their beard (that includes the ladies), and listening to Radio 2.
Idiots.
4 comments:
You missed one action in overtaking. A disdainful look is seldom noticed, but the finger always gets attention. Guess it depends on how pissed off you are.
Very good point, as it goes.
I am often so angry I have to concentrate on driving, otherwise I'd be chucking unsavoury things (e.g. Family Buckets of KFC) through their open 'sunroof' on their 6 year old Rover. Twats.
x
I enjoy these methods. The worst though is when I'm about to use one of these methods(and I am very happy because I know that I will be doling out some retribution) but I have to stop my act because I get an inkling the asshole causing all the ruckus probably has a shotgun in his truck. Very disappointing, I should just let my anger override my reason.
No no, no chance. The most they've got is a replacement weebag and a thermos flask. The people to whom you refer drive wildly without indicating horizontally across lanes. It's true.
xx
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