Day Two: I've Got A Parking Ticket

Had it towed from outside my house a month ago, my car, when I was on holiday and my dear friend was house and cat sitting. He retrieved the car, accompanied by a friend from San Diego, at some expense and effort.

I know about the restrictions now. I haven't got my residents' parking permit yet. I should be grateful for residents' parking; apparently it will make my piss-poor 1 bedroom flat in Brixton worth £2.34m. I paid some money today to park my car (outside my house), and then, as I was practising lying on the sofa staring at the ceiling, I heard a man shouting.

YOU LOOKED INTO MY EYES YOU BITCH. YOU SAW ME. YOU LOOKED INTO MY EYES AND THEN YOU WALKED AWAY AND THEN I TURNED ROUND AND YOU APPEARED YOU BITCH.

Not a local man cursed by the resident soothsayer and fortune teller, but a man in a van trapped by a 5ft 3 'parking attendant'. I stuck my head round the blind. She was putting a ticket on my car.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING STOP RIGHT NOW HOW DARE YOU.

Man in van is running down street. She is running after him. "In a minute!" she yelps over her shoulder. I am shouting. He is shouting. We are all shouting.

She comes back. I talk slowly, and not unlike the Queen, as if she had been dropped on her head as a baby. "What on earth are you doing? I have put a ticket in the window. See. HERE." Not in the parking zone, she tells me, all of 2 feet away. "Oh for heaven's sake, don't be so ridiculous. Take it off immediately." But no, she cannot. "I pay my .... COUNCIL TAXES". I can't think of anything else to say. She says (curse her eyes) it is not her problem, and calls me 'love'. HOW DARE YOU CALL ME LOVE YOU PATRONISING WA- ...." Then I see my charming holy neighbour coming out of her front door and stop. And smile. And say: "of course. I absolutely understand. You are only doing your job."

Luckily, I have the number of a local soothsayer and fortune teller, who will 'curse all my enemies' and 'rid me of jealous need'. Just as well, really.