Day 18: I Am Considering Killing My Personal Trainer

Anuja. Personal trainer. Thick as pigshit. That one. But thin and fit and knows how to work the machines in the gym and I don't. Therefore knows three things I don't: 1) what it's like being thin; 2) what it's like being fit; 3) how to operate treadmill in way that doesn't make me fall off. Which is what happens when I do it.

I didn't sleep at all last night. I paced about a bit and tried to sleep on the sofa and that and gave up in the end. But I still managed to drag myself to the gym at 10 and pretend to be enthusiastic. "I am not in a very good mood today, and I am tired", I said. "That's alright babes! Once you feel the burn you'll feel great!". Shut up, shut up, shut up.

Today she said the following things for the 5th time:

1. "My favourite thing a client said is that I'm not as sweet as I look!"
2. "If you look great, you feel great!"
3. "I'm all about RESULTS. Because if we don't get RESULTS, what's the POINT?"
3. "Just KEEP GOING, Hon! Come on! Yeah! Come on, high five!". No, Anuja. I will not high five you when I am rowing. It is not possible. Plus, you tried to high five me when I was on the treadmill yesterday and I fell off it. You must stop now. Tomorrow I am going to play Bullshit Bingo, and award myself some sort of health-laced treat every time she uses one of those expressions again. I wasn't nice. I did apologise. But it was relentless.

Anuja: So, hon, do you like ... SHOPPING?
Me (whilst rowing): No, not really.

Anuja: So, babes, are you looking forward to your holiday?
Me (entering 18th minute of running): I haven't really thought about it yet.

Anuja: So, do you come from a big family?
Me: (doing bench presses, whatever they are, with 300lb weights) No, not really.

Anuja: Are you drinking enough water?
Me: (doing weirdo breathing exercises and trying to concentrate) Probably not. Sorry. I'm in a fucking bad mood. Don't take it personally.
Anuja: Oh babes that's nothing! No problem! Like my client once said to me, I'm not as sweet as I look!

This better fucking work. It's bad enough nearly DYING once a day, without having to put up with the WITTERING. On the other hand, if it does work I'm going to lick her face, so best not be too judgemental, just in case.