Day 12: I Realise Making Yourself More Attractive Is Very Hard Work

I literally don't know what I was thinking. I thought: my skin's OK, my face is OK, and underneath the swathes of lard I am tall, strong and in proportion. All I'll need to do is go to the gym every day, and continue eating my Everyone Says It's Great Diet (TM), and in a few months I'll look probably quite good. I thought. But no. So far today I have:

- had approx. 10lbs dead skin taken off my feet with a scalpel (30 minutes)
- not managed to work out how to use padlock in the gym (5 minutes)
- done stuff involving rowing machines and that (30 minutes)
- considered killing Anuja, not because of the exercise, but because of the INCESSANT WITTERING
- done stuff to do with weights and that (30 minutes)
- done stuff to do with Pilates and breathing and that (15 minutes)
- stood under cold shower wondering if I will ever stop sweating (10 minutes)
- got dressed (5 minutes)
- driven to beautician (behind a pub. Very good) (10 minutes)
- had things removed I didn't want (15 minutes)
- had a manicure to make myself feel better (20 minutes)
- considered killing manicurist because if her INCESSANT WITTERING (3 minutes)

I could see all the ladies coming in and out of reception at the beauticians and realised they were having things done that I would never, ever consider having done (St Tropez tan; facials; eyebrow shaping; eyelash tinting; crack wax). And of course they all looked good. Some of them were ugly, but looked kind of fit and tidy. Some of them were gorgeous. Either way, it doesn't all happen naturally, this stuff. Suppose I'd better put some effort in, then.