Day 10: I Am Suprised By My Resting Heart Rate, But Not By My Personal Trainer

Lovely girl, she is, Anuja. Beautiful. Sweet as anything. Calls me 'hon' and 'babes'. Says 'if you look good, you feel good'. Explains the importance of good diet. Is surprised that I love the rowing machine, but not the cross-trainer. Talks about spin cycles, and is not talking about washing machines. And is, quite simply, one of the thickest people I have ever met. I have, for the purposes of my twice-weekly sessions with said Anuja ("you're a Libran, aren't you! An air sign, just like me! We'll get on like a house on fire! Some of my clients think I'm a bit mad!"), decided to lose my mind.

I love it when thickos tell you about the importance of diet. LOOK AT ME, you want to shout. I know I'M FAT, but I'm not BLOBBY and NOTHING about the way I talk or move or dress or speak or talk knowledgeably about my 'condition' would suggest that I need to be told about nutrition.

I tried WeightWatchers once. It didn't work. Partly because me and carbohydrate are not friends (and they suggest you eat baked potatoes all day), but mainly because I looked at the 'diet' and was confused. What are these ready made meals of which you talk? What do you mean, KFC? MacDonalds? 'Treat myself' with Cadbury chocolate? No fucking chance. And 'diet foods'? Just no. All the evidence suggests people just eat twice as much as they would have anyway. And most of those things are full of weird chemicals that come from the Moon, and were not made for us to eat.

The idiots that haven't worked out that a takeaway curry contains approximately 10 years' worth of saturated fat, or that a tub of icecream is full of sugar and cream (or rather sugar, genetically modified melted pig and 500 E-numbers), need WeightWatchers. It helps them stop spooning poison down their necks. And it works for them. It's a bit like the people on You are what you eat. Everyone gasps in surprise as people who have previously eaten pizza and Coke for breakfast lose weight after 2 months on fucking quinoa and seaweed. 'Isn't Gillian McKeith AMAZING!', everyone cries. No, she is not. Find some very fat people, check to make sure they're REALLY stupid, and put them on the programme. You'll be amazed. They'll stop living off junk food and start eating vegetables, and they will lose weight! No shit. Anyway, I digress.

Anuja high-fived me after she'd taken my blood pressure and checked my heart rate. Again, there is nothing about me to suggest that high-fives are, or could be, something that I would necessarily see as a central part of my life. But she is thin and fit, and knows about exercise, and I am not and therefore, for the next few weeks, I am her bitch. But if she tries to tell me that I should be eating '5-a-day', I will kill her with my hands.