Yes, it is true. Not only do I write for and run this world-class web-blog (with over 3 visitors per day), do the Twitter regularly AND look at all the people who have joined the Facebook group that is about me and how great and interesting I am - but I have been asked to contribute to a sort-of online magazine thing!!! It looks quite good with good bloggers on it like Anna (who is quite famous) and Lucy (who invented the new website).
It is called "Unkempt Women" and as long we avoid any mention of for e.g. Andrea Dworkin, I think it is going to run and run. Here is my first contribution, which is about how men like logs more than flowers.
Pip pip!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
I get you in the mood
If you are a lover of this web-blog - which, frankly, could apply to anyone in their right mind - you may very much enjoy this website: a place where photographs of dodgy Father Christmases and screaming children/young men in red pants clutching a 'saxophone' are assembled for your viewing pleasure.
Monday, December 07, 2009
I announce the winner
Yes, it is true. After much deliberation ("do you like your snack plate? Do you? Do you?"), we (i.e., me and the French-Canadian veterinary research pathologist to whom I am married), have chosen a winner for my competition.
As a reminder to new readers, or those who have lost their train of thought over the last few days, the competition was this: a prize of some biscuits (made by me) and a signed photograph of me in my chair would be given to the best answer to the question "Why I Think Non-workingmonkey is Great", in 150 characters or less (fewer?).
There have been a great many excellent entries which you may read by looking at the comments on the original post here, but there is one that stands out by over one million miles for a number of different reasons:
1. It suggests that its author is EITHER unable to read basic instructions OR (more to my liking), willfully ignores them, i.e. "150 characters or less"*;
2. It is funny;
3. It contains a phrase that stinks of genius.
Here is the full entry here:
"Non-working monkey is a stir-fry of calamity and genius, like a second helping of the world’s best pancakes served in a tumble dryer. It’s what happens when “je ne sais quoi” humps the leg of quiet desperation. This blog reminds me of the early voyageurs who boldly paddled through an unknown land, slapping mosquitoes as they went. Maybe it’s the man in the cardboard boat or the banner with the flag-hoisting beaver, but either way, around every bend there is a little bit more to learn, a little bit more to despise about homeopathy. Mais oui, alright?"
However, we have decided to take from the full-cream version the bit that pleases us most, and re-enter it into the competition, making the final - and magnificent - winner the legendary Purest Green with the immortal - if somewhat edited - line:
"Non-workingmonkey is what happens when "je ne sais quoi" humps the leg of quiet desperation."
Congratulations, Purest Green! Send in your address (email address over there on the right somewhere) and I will send you biscuits and a signed photograph. Coming tomorrow: the (unedited) runners-up.
Pip pip!
* Extra 1000 points for not doing what you are told, which I entirely salute being, as I am, the daughter of a woman who was thrown out of the Brownies for insubordination, probably aged about 7.
As a reminder to new readers, or those who have lost their train of thought over the last few days, the competition was this: a prize of some biscuits (made by me) and a signed photograph of me in my chair would be given to the best answer to the question "Why I Think Non-workingmonkey is Great", in 150 characters or less (fewer?).
There have been a great many excellent entries which you may read by looking at the comments on the original post here, but there is one that stands out by over one million miles for a number of different reasons:
1. It suggests that its author is EITHER unable to read basic instructions OR (more to my liking), willfully ignores them, i.e. "150 characters or less"*;
2. It is funny;
3. It contains a phrase that stinks of genius.
Here is the full entry here:
"Non-working monkey is a stir-fry of calamity and genius, like a second helping of the world’s best pancakes served in a tumble dryer. It’s what happens when “je ne sais quoi” humps the leg of quiet desperation. This blog reminds me of the early voyageurs who boldly paddled through an unknown land, slapping mosquitoes as they went. Maybe it’s the man in the cardboard boat or the banner with the flag-hoisting beaver, but either way, around every bend there is a little bit more to learn, a little bit more to despise about homeopathy. Mais oui, alright?"
However, we have decided to take from the full-cream version the bit that pleases us most, and re-enter it into the competition, making the final - and magnificent - winner the legendary Purest Green with the immortal - if somewhat edited - line:
"Non-workingmonkey is what happens when "je ne sais quoi" humps the leg of quiet desperation."
Congratulations, Purest Green! Send in your address (email address over there on the right somewhere) and I will send you biscuits and a signed photograph. Coming tomorrow: the (unedited) runners-up.
Pip pip!
* Extra 1000 points for not doing what you are told, which I entirely salute being, as I am, the daughter of a woman who was thrown out of the Brownies for insubordination, probably aged about 7.
I will announce the winner tomorrow
Do not think I have forgotten that I am supposed to announce the winner of my fantastic competition today (Sunday 6th). Oh no. I have not forgotten. We will announce the winner tomorrow (Monday 7th). You will see.
In the meantime, go and see Fantastic Mr Fox. It is brilliant. If you can't go out from your house and/or flat and/or box right now and go and see it, ignore the Barf-O-Rama voiceover and watch the trailer instead.
The trailer is 1/1,345,222,232,321th as good as the real film but OK to tide you over before you can get to the cinema/it is released in your country (if it isn't already):
It is brilliant for many reasons, one of them being that Jarvis Cocker sings a song in it.
In the meantime, go and see Fantastic Mr Fox. It is brilliant. If you can't go out from your house and/or flat and/or box right now and go and see it, ignore the Barf-O-Rama voiceover and watch the trailer instead.
The trailer is 1/1,345,222,232,321th as good as the real film but OK to tide you over before you can get to the cinema/it is released in your country (if it isn't already):
It is brilliant for many reasons, one of them being that Jarvis Cocker sings a song in it.
Sunday, December 06, 2009
I start having a go on Christmas
Come on Christmas!! Yes, it is that speshul time of year again: time for lights, decorations, trees etc; putting out a mince pie for Father Christmas and a carrot for Rudolf; praying and praying that this year there will be a pony and/or puppy at the end of the bed; pretending you cannot see Monkeymother coming in with the stockings; eating chocolate money at 5am then a tangerine to balance it out; discouraging Monkeymother from inserting the 'business end' of the turkey over Monkeyfather's head; hiding Monkeyfather's Bailey's (3 types) in the shed, etc.But this year it will be different. Yes. "Christmas 2009" will be tinged with a hint of the strange and a soupçon of the unfamiliar, for this will be first year in forty (40) years that I have not been with Monkeymother and Monkeyfather on Christmas Day. I will instead be in Canada with the French-Canadian veterinary research pathologist to whom I am married by law, a 14lb turkey, a ham, 1.28kg of Bendicks Bittermints* and Canada's version of The Queen having a speech.
It will be magnificent, of that I am convinced, and to make it even better, on Boxing Day some friends are coming from Toronto (words I never thought I would say!). There will be two extra ladies, two extra men, a baby and a gigantic dog the size of a Shetland pony and we will spend 5 days by the fire drinking beer, eating turkey pie and watching "Colin and Justin's Home Heist" on BBC Canada.
But I will not be allowed to forget the simple, gurning faces of Monkeymother and Monkeyfather, for last year they gave me a special and privit Christmas present that I have not, until now, felt able to share with you, dear readers. But now is the time - for today, yes today, the knitted monkey in a fez (a reproduction of my Victorian ancestor, Private-Income Monkey) has been taken out of his special place on our bedhead, and put up the top of our Canadian christmas tree**.
Here he is, having a climb and a little look around while he waits for the rest of the 'tree decorations' to be added, including a unicorn, over 1.2m gingerbread stars, and a white rubber stress-relieving sheep.
What a smashing little fella!
* An early present from Monkeymother, no less!
** "Small tree" in Canada = 6ft
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