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I Think About Sending A Poo In A Box

I am not one for revenge for two reasons:

1. I am lazy.
2. From what I can see, the knobbers usually get their comeuppance anyway.

However, this is not to say that I do not regularly compose imaginary letters to people I dislike in my head, and imagine sending them from strange and untraceable places. Why do I do this thing? Because it is amusing and satisfying, that is why!

Dear Australian Slapper With Whom I Used To Work

I saw right through you. In fact, we all did. And no, you are not good at playing politics. Also, your eyes are like those of a snake. And we all knew you were shagging the managing director and administering oral love to the grumpy art director in the third office along.

In other news, your arse looks like a prosthetic comedy bottom, and apparently you smell in the ladyparts.

Wishing boils upon you and your pets,

NWM

PS When I was promoted (without asking) and you were not promoted (despite asking), you complained about it all day. This only made you look like even more of a knobber. *


Of course I never send the letters I write in my head, mainly because I don't actually write them down. But it is very satisfying to compose them, and they usually take all the irritation away.

But are they enough? No they are not. Sometimes, if you are very angry indeed and about to shout, you can say to yourself: a letter would never be enough, but would I send them a poo in box?

Do you dislike them so much that you can be bothered to get a box and poo into it? (Either straight into it, or by fishing the poo out of the loo with a slotted spoon.) Can you be bothered to find the right box? (Tupperware is probably best.) Are you able to wrap it, address it, take it to the Post Office? If it is an international package, what do you say on the customs label? Can you risk being found out, what with it being your poo and probably traceable (via DNA) back to your bottom? (And is sending a poo
in a box a criminal offence?)

I cannot recommend this exercise highly enough for one simple reason: you invariably realise that the person that has annoyed you is not even worth the trouble of sending a poo in a box to - a realisation that can often be rather soothing!

* NB: if you are reading this for the second time, you may have noticed that I have changed the imaginary letter. There is an excellent reason for this, involving not upsetting someone I like very much who is connected with the subject of the previous example.

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