Day 156: I Receive Shocking News At The Doctor's

I have been to the Doctor! I never do this thing, unless something is bleeding or broken. Last time I went an Eminent Consultant's internal scanner ran out of power at an inopportune moment, so I have been slightly Wary of doctors ever since, unless they are not Doctors of Medicine but Doctors of other stuff, e.g. Water Conservation or Animals.

The new doctor was Old. As old as the hills, with shoes made of Cornish Pasties and white pubic hair for eyebrows. But she was nice and had kind hands. "Can I take your blood pressure?", she asked, after filling in a form asking for things ticked in columns labelled 'Clinical Pathology', 'Endocrinology' and 'Haematology'. "Of course!", I yelped. (Remember if you will that I am still diverted by All Things Medical as powerless internal scanners aside, I don't get much medical action.) It is then that she delivered some Very Surprising News.

Blood pressure machine: Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffft. Pfffffffft. Pffft.
Doctor: Very good. You must do a lot of exercise. You're fit. Well done.

I'm going to have a little lie down.

Day 155: I Cheer Up

This is my new tablecloth. It is of the World and has Canada on it, complete with a cross-eyed bear. Beaver the Beaver likes it very much, as does the Stupid Fat Bastard Cat (who enjoyed skidding across it when it was laid on the floor).

I am delighted with it. I do not need it, at all, but it is Impossible to imagine my plush Brixton apartment without a tablecloth adorned with bears, penguins, cowboys and reindeer. (And kangaroos and that on Australia, but you'll have to trust me on that one.)

It has lifted my slightly grey mood and given me the energy to buy new towels (charcoal grey; white is only a good idea for two washes, unless you are called Barry Scott), a new bathmat (a miracle, as bathmats are by definition disgusting), some bathroom scales that are not 7lbs over (and therefore depressing) and a shower curtain that is not pretending to be a) fabric; b) a shoal of fishes swimming inexplicably in mid-air; c) a landscape containing amusing penguins.

John Lewis, you see. Works every time. Oh, and here's the cross-eyed bear in detail. Good, isn't he?

Day 154: I Am Possessed By A Beaverish Spirit

Following a night of sleep so deep I may well have been dead for a bit, I woke this morning full of Resolve and a strange Desire to Work and Work. I made twelve phone calls before lunch, all about Things To Do With Work and Matters Financial. One of these phone calls was precipitated by a letter from the Job Centre:

"Dear NWM

YOUR CLAIM FOR JOBSEEKER'S ALLOWANCE

We cannot pay you an allowance from 31 October 2006. This is because:

- you have not given us the information we asked you for.

If you do not give us the information we ask you for we cannot give you an allowance.

....

PLEASE KEEP THIS LETTER FOR YOUR INFORMATION."

WHAT information? Where? What have you asked me for that I have not given you? Why have you written me this very stupid letter? Oh Job Centre, why are you staffed with imbeciles who waste tax payers' money by sending out letters that have no form and content? It is just as well that I do not actually need the 23p a week that eight hours of form-filling, waiting around and shouting would bring me; but God help those who do actually need it. Maybe driving the non-working mad with bureaucracy is a new Government Initiative designed to bring down the levels of unemployment.

But all this leads to one thing: I am restless, with a desire to Build, Tidy, Rationalise and make sarcastic telephone calls. I think it is called "having a lot of energy". I have obviously been possessed by the spirit of Beaver the Beaver.

I have been stalking about the place squinting at shelves and opening and closing cupboards, sucking my teeth and noting with disapproval that many of the cupboards are full of things that I have not touched since I moved in in 1998. There are things I once thought were funny in corners; they are no longer funny. There are clothes that are now five sizes too big in bags, and books that I have never read and never will read (The Da Vinci Code, for example, and the book by Cecilia Aherne I flung against the wall some weeks ago: I am not mentally deficient, whatever the Job Centre may think), filling cupboards that were meant for something else.

It is all going. I have no call for the superfluous, as the fluous is more than enough to think about. But first I must go to IKEA and get blue bags.

Day 153: I Think Beaver The Beaver May Be Cheering Up A Bit

Only yesterday, Beaver the Beaver and I were in the Canada. Beaver the Beaver was mainly sitting in the car being driven around, or building dams; he spent some time hiding in the fridge, perched briefly on a pair of Sturdy Shoes and had a lie down in my sponge bag. He even had a little shower. Overall, Beaver the Beaver had a lovely time in Canada.

So did I. Yesterday afternoon I watched a pathologist feed squirrels with his own bare hands, and then imitate the Krispy Kernels boy with the use of a slice of gherkin and his Mind. In return, I offered him sight of a Badger when he comes to Blighty. (Anyone know where I can see a badger? Don't say 'London Zoo', and stuffed doesn't count. Much.)

But Beaver the Beaver has been in sharp decline today. I left him reading the Moon Guide to Montreal when I went to The Shop (where I was bought fabric conditioner and cat food for Fat Bastard Cat who, unfortunately, did not die when I was away), but this was the sorry scene that greeted my return: Beaver the Beaver staring out of the window, listening to Radiohead.






















A tragic scene, I am sure you will agree. But how do you cheer up a homesick Beaver? There is only one answer. One of the few Good Things about Blighty (apart from Radio 4) comes in a jar with a yellow lid.











See how cheery he is now! Now I do not have to worry about Beaver the Beaver. All of this means one thing and one thing only: tomorrow, normal service will be resumed, including some discussion of the question on everyone's lips, namely: What the fuck is a "hot beverage system"?

Day 153: I Return From Canada With Beaver The Beaver

I think he's a bit homesick.