Day 114: I Receive A Card From Overseas

In these days of electronical communications and telephonic devices, it is a Rare Treat to get a Proper Letter through the post. Even a postcard sends thrills shooting through my toes. But to receive a letter from AMERICA, with "Seattle" on the postmark, and American writing on the front - well, it's enough to send a monkey insane.

And what was it? Yes, it was a card from a Reader, sent all the way from the Americas, featuring some naughty monkeys and a message, the post scriptum to which was: "I found this card at a coffee shop/mailing center called Sip & Ship. Don't say that 5 times really fast!".

Needless to say I have been saying it really fast over and over all afternoon, whilst trying to ignore the packet of plain chocolate Digestives in the cupboard that I bought for Noel (and remain Unopened, thanks to my friend in Seattle.)

Thank you, dear Martina.

Day 114: I Am Worried About The State Of British Academia

I have been perusing my sitemeter stats in the manner of a woman possessed, and have noted a Pattern. A student (or perhaps students) or (heaven help us!) LECTURERS from the following august institutions have been spending quite a long time reading this blog:

1. The London School of Economics
2. University College London
3. The University of Birmingham
4. The Open University

I am only too aware of how hard students work nowadays, what with their BSc in Hair Design and Media Studies (with French) to study for, so I can only think of one possible explanation: someone wants to make me the subject of their PhD.

I have mentioned this before, but may I say that I would be only too delighted to be the subject of a Doctorate, and will happily attend your viva and/or provide you with any further information, should you require it. Think of it!

"Congratulations on your PhD! Tell me, what is your Subject?"
"I am a Doctor of Non-workingmonkey Studies!"
"My WORD.".

Silence. 1985 O-Level (Ox & Cam Board) papers float through the dusty academic air. The distant smashing of a test tube can be heard. F R Leavis spins in his grave. Baroness Warnock wakes from a troubled slumber and is surprised to find her pillow stained with tears.

Splendid Monkey Gallery: Picture 6

There are times in my life when I have been in the presence of greatness. Today is one of those days, for Kali writes from Canada (I have a Speshul Affection for Canadians, but not Rush), with this extraordinary picture.



The high level of thought (and customisation) that has gone into this picture is second-to-none. I hope you will all agree.

Come on, Canada! What else have you got?

Congratulations, Kali!

Day 113: I Receive An Email From Hotmail

Heavens to Betsy! Those people at Hotmail are pushing the boat out today, let me tell you. I received the following communication this afternoon - a piece of communication no doubt received by everyone in the World, including Angelina.Jolie@hotmail.com and Clark.Gable@hotmail.com.

"To celebrate Hotmail's 10th birthday, we're looking for people who've had their Hotmail account for more than five years and have an interesting story to tell.

- Did you fall in love over email or find a long lost friend?
- Are you the proud owner of a celebrity name?
- Were you the first to get your hands on a popular name such as John Smith, Joe Bloggs or Jane Jones?"

Now then, let me see.

Did you fall in love over email or find a long lost friend?

No, but I did get involved in an email correspondence that resulted in a fight in a carpark in Swansea, a near-fight in a bar in France, the administration of oral love by my ex-best-friend on a Gentleman Caller in a conservatory in Devon, a spilt bottle of Chateau Talbot, a ill-fated launch of a disposable golf-tee, pints drunk with intellectual property lawyers, a sheepskin rug, a fake house name sign, an indoor marijuana forest, an ex-girlfriend like a ghost, four illegitimate children and two dogs called Curses and Transplant.

I also found a long lost friend through Friends Reunited. This is the Shameful Truth.

Are you the proud owner of a celebrity name?

Yes. My name is Ginger Baker.

Were you the first to get your hands on a popular name such as John Smith, Joe Bloggs or Jane Jones?

Who's called Joe Bloggs? That's STUPID.

These questions will not bring "interesting stories" to light! If I were in charge of the marketing at the Hotmail, I would ask:

- Have you ever run a prostitution ring or drug-running racket using Hotmail?

- Have you ever conducted an affair with that hot tamale in the call centre using Messenger?

- Have you ever shown your hooters to someone in Detroit using a webcam, when you have not been formally introduced?

- Have you arranged a dogging rendez-vous using your Hotmail account?

- Have you accidentally sent an email meant for one person to 150 people, resulting in near loss of employment?

- Have you ever tried to buy a gibbon and export it to Canada in a basket using your Hotmail account, a pair of scissors and a webcam?


THAT'S more like it. Honestly. Some people have no imagination.

Day 113: I Hate It When This Happens

An interview for a job I really want, doing something I am properly interested in. And I need another three days to think. But in an hour, I get on the bus and Head In To Town.

Better put some proper clothes on and brush my hair, then. "A brand is ...". Er. Um. Well it just is, isn't it?

Eek.