The original version of this post contained a strange transcript of an email I wrote to Simon at work asking for advice about Barbours. I was going to bin the post but the comments were lovley so I have cut the boring bit out and put the end bit in, which will explain the comments. Please and thank you.
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I have so much to say on the subject of being back in Blighty after 8 long, long, unremarkable years in Canada that I don't know where to start. If you, my adoring readers and/or fans, have any 'questions' or 'topics', insert them forcefully into the comments box below and I will do my utmost best to answer them. Pip "Mince Fucking Pies Everywhere and Permanently Drunk - Isn't Life Grand!!" Pip NWM
As they are with distance, the people of Canada are as hard as fucking nails when it comes to the weather.
For e.g., here is a Canadian train dealing with snow:
And here is an English train dealing with snow:
"Snow is nothing but trouble", he moaned. Precisely.
In case the point is not clear enough, I have taken some time out of my "busy schedule" (pronounced "skedjooll", rhymes with "Medjool") to build a simple chart that will demonstrate exactly what I mean. In it, I compare reactions to various temperature levels, England* vs. Canada**. UPDATE: An eagle-eyed reader points out that the scale below should be C not F. And now we may begin:
In the winter in England, all you would have to do to get out of the house would be put on a coat, scarf and gloves and grumble a bit (maybe scrape a bit of frost off the windscreen), and get on your way. In Canada, you have to get special snow tyres put on and stock up on 100L of de-icer - then every day, you:
Check weather the night before
Wake up, see if car is still visible under 15ins of snow, realise it is not
Drink coffee, get dressed quickly
Put on large coat, big boots, insulated gloves, hat, scarf etc
Pick up snow shovel, sigh
Dig car out of snow
Dig drive out of snow
Sweat
Take off large coat, big boots, gloves, hat, scarf etc
Steam
Have breakfast, have shower, put on clothes
Put on large coat, big boots, insulated gloves, hat, scarf etc
Make way to car already under another 4 ins of snow
Turn on car, hope it starts
Wait for heating to take temperature inside car from -25 to -10
Drive off
Hope to fuck the snowplough has been.
I will miss this very much, and am already preparing myself not to shout CALL THIS COLD? TRY SAYING THAT TO A CANADIAN!!! at the first English person who moans about the cold when I get back. Still, at least I'll only need one coat.
Pip "a few degrees off thermals!" Pip
NWM
* When I say 'England', I probably mean lily-livered Southerners, of which I am one. As any fule kno, the Scottish and Northerners are as hard as fucking nails and should not be messed with in any circumstances. I cannot speak for the Welsh. ** When I say 'Canada', I mean East Coast Canada, or more specifically Quebec, where I live. As we all know Toronto has semi-tropical climate compared to that of Quebec, and Vancouver's climate is like that of Swansea. I have never been to the prairies, Alberta, the Northern Territories, etc.
English Person 1: I am going to York on Friday. English Person 2: Gosh that IS a long way from London! English Person 1: Approx 200 miles according to this AA Map of Great Britain. Look, there's Sheffield look, caught in the fold. (Points at page 52.) English Person 2: How are you going to get there? English Person 1: I am definitely not going to drive!! It is just under four hours. English Person 2: WOWEE that IS a long way isn't it. I mean where would you store the provisions for a journey that long? English Person 1: The roofrack. That or stop at the 'services' five times for sausages. English Person 2: What a conundrum.
Me: Do you want to come for Thanksgiving? It will be a 2-night jaunt. Friends in Toronto: Sure! Me: Will you fly? Friends in Toronto: No no, we'll drive, it won't take long. Me: Are you bringing the kids? Friends in Toronto: Sure! Me: How long's the journey again? Friends in Toronto: Oh, it's nothing. 6,7 hours. A bit longer if we stop for gas.
Penhaligon's 'gift fragrance oils' (3 pack) do not improve with age.
You can't do much with miniature postcards of Czech saints, even WITH their English names scribbled in pencil across the back.
I am never going to use: - the matching crystal envelope opener and magnifying glass in padded blue silken box - the packet of Barbapapa stickers - the family of finger puppet rabbits - a brooch (approx. 6 x 3 cms) of a lopsided monkey in a fez with the face of Coluche
Some pens last forever: Bic Crystal, Staedler Permanent Felt Tip.
I could, tomorrow morning (stamps permitting), send: - 25 birthday cards, - 30 blank cards feat. 17th century tulips, etc - c. 100 postcards of EITHER art OR kittens and puppies.
I have enough loose change to buy an egg and cress sandwich in the early 90s.
I have 7 padlocks.
According to an unpaid bill from 2005, I owe my therapist 300 quid.
I really like a) paperclips; b) tiny clothespegs; c) staples; d) old cheque books.